making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
