did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
