Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
