so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
