while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
