Ketchup is God's man juice
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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