Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
