I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
