I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
