nut hugger
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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