eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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