I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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