I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
