now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
