I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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