If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
