Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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