The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
