i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
