Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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