You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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