We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
