The maid of honor just puked.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
