all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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