Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
