just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
