I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
