Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
