my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
