I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
