she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
