I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
