I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
