I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
