see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
