DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
