And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
