yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
