I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
