i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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