Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
