I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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