First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
