xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
