its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
