im having a threesome with these popsicles
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
