Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
