U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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