Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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