I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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