She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
COCAINE IS GR8
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
