and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
